ponderingsat80’s posterous

 I am not meant to unpack my bags – not yet it seems.  For years I have lived between city and country . . . and after selling my house, I pined for the country and bought a condo in a small town where it would be more secure for me to live part-time alone.  I now, however, lack the energy to go between two places and wonder if it may be time to sell my condo.  Unfortunately, the market is slow; people are looking at houses only – if at all.   So . . . perhaps it is not time   to let go - perhaps it is not yet meant to happen.

 When I began to travel between city and country, I carted almost all my wardrobe in garment bags, and practically lived out of a suitcase that was never completely unpacked. (I know what my eulogy will be:  Mom and her garment bags and an unpacked suitcase  . . . they will chuckle, I hope, for it is really funny when you think about it.)

 All of this feels terribly frivolous in the light of the last few days: There is sadness and grieving in our family:  My sister-in-law who had given fierce battle to ovarian cancer, passed away yesterday, and my son-in-law’s mother died last week.   Both were my age.  My daughter-in-law’s father, who has been ill for months, lingers in God’s waiting room.  I do feel awfully foolish to be wondering about where to live and what clothes to cart with me . . .    

 Yet . . . this is my journey.  They have finished theirs, and no doubt have begun another adventure.   My son called to say his neighbour asked him to help save a newborn kitten that had been abandoned by its mother on her doorstep along with 3 others that have died. He and his little daughter took the kitten home and have been feeding it with an eye dropper round the clock.  Already this tiny little creature has perked up and is showing signs of surviving.   My son held Toby (its name) to the phone so I could hear him cry, and oh, how sweet . . .  It was the sound of hope - a desire for life- just what I needed to hear today.   

 I agree with the Dalai Lama, I do not believe we die.  The body dies, of course, but not the spirit.  I believe we go on to another form of existence. And just as Jesus taught:  We find our true selves in the resurrection of the spirit.  We become one with the Spirit that is all.   

 So how did I get from garment bags to an unpacked suitcase from city to country to this?  I have rambled . . .  my thoughts are all over the place.  I guess what I am trying to say is,  It doesn’t matter that I am wondering where to live and what garment bags or suitcases to cart . . .  it is not frivolous – it is where I am at on my journey.  And as the monk suggested (cf. previous entry), I will do what presents itself; I will continue to live part-time in the country, until a buyer comes along, and no doubt, continue to cart garment bags and not completely unpack a suitcase.  My inability to travel lightly will one day provide the children with a laugh.  What am I saying?  It already has!